


Just Let Me Hold You

by prxntiss



Category: Castle (TV 2009)
Genre: (i cant remember which ep it's based off), Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Get Together, Hurt/Comfort, set s2/3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28890975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prxntiss/pseuds/prxntiss
Summary: She barely talked anymore, trapped in her thoughts. She didn't know how to get out.He didn't know how to get her out either.
Relationships: Kate Beckett & Richard Castle, Kate Beckett/Richard Castle
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	Just Let Me Hold You

**Author's Note:**

> For Ana <3
> 
> Set post 2x13
> 
> I was trying a different style of writing but I am not satisfied at all by this fic lmao. I wanted to post it though so here it is :)

The night she shot dead the man who killed her mum, she felt lost. She’d let that case consume her for the past 10 years, hell-bent on catching him and making him pay for the life he’d taken away. She’d told herself that after she caught him she would feel like she’d done what she could for her mum. She’d feel a sense of completion.

But she’d had to shoot Dick Coonan. The man who stabbed her mother, who'd felt her life drain out in his hands.

To save Castle.

And it had been worth it.

Right?

* * *

She knew Castle felt guilty. He’d tried to both stay away and give her space while she could tell that he clearly wanted to attempt to comfort her. To get inside her head. To understand how she was feeling. How to help.

It hadn’t been his fault that Coonan was dead. She was lost now with him dead but some deep part of her knew that she’d be even more lost if Castle had been the one dead.

She didn’t talk to him. He didn’t push her.

They stayed like that.

It wasn’t like she talked much to anyone anymore.

* * *

Her phone rang in the middle of the night and she begrudgingly groped through the darkness for it, the ringing giving her an instant headache.

He called her with a breakthrough for the case. But he was greeted with silence when she picked up on the last ring. 

She always picked up instantly.

He began to spell out his theory but then stopped quickly when she didn’t say anything. He heard her tears through the phone line. “Are you okay?” no response. “I’m coming over.”

“No.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

“Don’t Castle.”

“Look, Kate,” he stopped getting out of bed and sighed. “You clearly need someone with you. Just let me come.”

“If you come over, you’re not shadowing me anymore.” she threatened. She didn’t know why she’d said it. She hadn’t been thinking straight. She was never thinking straight anymore.

“Fine. You really think I care that little about you that I’d put work above you?”

The silence stretched out. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising.”

* * *

He’d been about to kick down the door when she’d finally opened it. Hair messy, shirt too big, bags under her eyes. She looked thinner than he had last time he’d seen her.

She’d curled up on one end of the lounge, leaving the other side free for him. He didn’t take it though, instead sitting on the floor in front of her, his back to her. He was giving her privacy, she realised after a moment. His hand reached back to rest on top of hers. He didn’t hold it but the touch grounded her. 

She cried silently to herself.

He didn’t hold her. But she’d never really expected him to.

He stayed until the sun started to filter through her living room curtains. Then he stood up and turned to her. He didn’t say anything. They didn’t need words. But he squeezed her hand, brushed her hair back from her eyes and walked out.

She didn’t say thank you. Didn’t know how. He already knew. 

So she just watched him walk out of the door and tried not to concentrate on the piece of her heart that left with him.

* * *

The nights always seemed longer than the days. She spent more nights at the precinct, pouring over their cases, looking for a breakthrough.

She needed to get away from work. She knew it.

Her request for time off was accepted.

* * *

When she called, he was shocked. It was the first time she’d reached out to him.

“Castle,” he muttered. The other end of the line was silent. It was probably telemarketers, he assumed. He was about to hang up and try and get some more sleep when he heard the sniffle at the other end. “Hello?” still no response, but now he was paying attention and could hear the silent tears on the other end. “Kate?”

“I-” she broke off, harshly brushing the tears off her cheek. “I don’t know why I called. Sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry. It’s not your fault.”

“I know. Sorry.” she laughed quietly to herself. “Sorry for saying sorry. Just… can I come over?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course. Mother and Alexis are busy creating some catastrophic mess in the kitchen but it should be ready to eat soon.”

“You don’t have to do this if you’re busy.”

“No. Please come. _Mi casa, su casa._ ”

She laughed thinly at that. “Thanks, Castle.”

“Anytime, Beckett. See you in ten.”

And just like that, it felt like a bit of before was coming back. But happiness never lasted.

She should have learnt that by now.

* * *

It was only after he opened the door to his apartment that she realised how cold she actually was. She shivered and Alexis disappeared upstairs to find one of her jackets that would fit the detective.

Kate felt hollow. Like a shell of her old self.

Castle’s eyes didn’t leave her as Martha ushered her in, sitting her down in the seat closest to the fire and then going to the kitchen to get her some food.

“I’m not hungry.” Kate found herself murmuring to Castle who stood in front of her while Alexis draped the jumper around her.

“You need to eat, Kate. Please.” one of his hands came up to cup her cheek as he crouched down in front of her. She smiled weakly and a shadow of his old smile crossed his features.

She hadn’t noticed he’d stopped smiling. He looked like he’d aged ten years in the month since she shot Coonan. 

“Okay,” she whispered. He beamed and looked for a second like he was going to wrap his arms around her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it together if he did.

But he didn’t. He just grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet, not letting go of her hand as she followed him to the dining room, as he pulled out the seat, as they sat down.

If Martha and Alexis noticed that he ate the entire meal with his non dominant left hand, they didn’t say anything.

The other two women talked throughout the meal about stories clearly designed to make her laugh, to bring the fire back into her eyes. She laughed. She smiled.

But the fire was gone. Burnt out.

* * *

After dinner, Alexis and Martha both went upstairs. Alexis kissed her dad's cheek and then came over and gave Kate a big hug. “I love you both,” she said as she walked out. Martha kissed both their cheeks and then left. “Don’t stay up too late, kiddos.”

“Thanks, mother.” Castle said dryly, rolling his eyes with sarcasm.

The silence stretched for what felt like hours. Him watching her. Her watching the floor.

“Look, Kate.” she didn’t look at him. “Listen to me, okay? Then you can ignore me all you like, but listen now.” her eyes met his slowly and she was surprised to see that it looked like he was close to crying. “Do you know how much it hurts me to watch you waste away? I hate it. You may have lost your mother but you’ll never lose your family. Esposito. Ryan. Lanie. Montgomery. Alexis. My mother. Me. We’re here for you, Kate. Don’t let this thing take you.”

She didn’t say anything but she didn’t look away either. Brown eyes met blue. She couldn’t look away. Something about his speech was so sincere and she felt tired for the first time in a month. His hand linked in hers again and pulled her upstairs. She followed him blindly, eyes blurry from tears. But none fell. They walked past Alexis’ room, past Martha’s, past the one she was assuming was his and then into the next room down the hall. His spare room had a cold, unused beauty to it. She imagined it echoed her.

He led her to the side of the bed and then pulled back the covers. She took off her shoes and sat down. He watched her. He did that a lot lately. He dropped his hand from hers and she felt a physical ache at the loss of contact. She didn’t let it show on her face. She had a feeling he knew anyway.

“Stay here for the night.” Castle quietly said as he sat on the edge next to her. “This room will be reserved for you. For as long as you want it. You’re not invading my privacy. I prefer you here.” the unspoken words hung between them. _I don’t trust what you’ll do if you’re alone like this._ “Okay?” she nodded. “Sleep. You clearly haven’t been doing enough of it. Goodnight.” he dropped a soft kiss on her forehead and she breathed in slightly. 

“Goodnight. And… Castle? Thank you.” she said it quietly but she knew he heard her because he paused in the doorway.

“Anytime. Now go to sleep. I’m next door if you need me. For anything.”

Then the door was shut and the room was plunged into darkness. But at this moment, the darkness didn’t feel quite so dark.

* * *

She was trapped, weighed down by sheets and expectations, blankets and feelings. She was cold even under a quilt and two extra blankets. She was tired but not sleeping. 

The darkness was dark now.

The hope was gone.

She stood up and paced the hallway, her hand poised to knock on his door.

But she couldn’t. Shouldn’t. 

Didn’t.

She went back to the guest room and curled up in a ball under the covers, rocking herself back and forth and trying to force sleep upon her brain.

It didn’t come.

But the morning light did and brought with it the headache and the bags under her eyes.

Some things never changed.

* * *

They were both just shadows now. Dark, distance shadows. Untouchable

Always there but never really here.

* * *

She started staying with him regularly. A few nights a week she’d spend the night at her own place but the ghosts chased her there and she found herself knocking on his door again, where just being around him helped ward them off.

He smiled more. She smiled more.

She went to the theatre with Martha. She watched romcoms and talked about boys with Alexis. Slowly, her days turned brighter, a happy glow surrounding her. Kate cooked dinner sometimes. She participated in Alexis’ experiments. Ran through scripts with Martha and Castle. Teased Martha when she did the walk of shame early in the morning. Called him Rick most of the time. Locked him in his study to force him to write. Joined in his poker game with the Mayor once or twice.

She enjoyed the days.

She hated the nights.

Memories attacked her there. She didn’t feel safe. She always felt cold. Her bones had stopped poking through her skin but she still felt bare. Nightmares still plagued her dreams but she didn’t fight them anymore. She’d accepted them. She never went to his room. She cried herself to sleep more than once.

But that was okay.

That had become her normal.

* * *

Castle yawned, putting his glass of wine down on the table and standing up. She copied him. “It’s late. We should sleep.”

“Yeah.” she agreed.

They walked side by side up the stairs. They didn’t touch. The walk was silent. She felt the familiar sense of dread that filled her at the thought of the nightmares that would come. She didn’t falter her step when he continued walking past his room, down the hallway.

She’d learnt long ago how to keep her poker face on. 

They stopped at the door of her room and she looked up at him. “What a gentleman.” she laughed. “Walking me to my room. Goodnight then.”

“Goodnight, Kate.” his eyes were boring into hers. It felt like he could see her soul. Some distant part of her mind was trying to think of when he’d last called her Beckett. She couldn’t think of the answer though.

His lips touching hers felt right. Different, strange, unexpected, but right. It took feeling what was right to realise how wrong she had been. 

Whatever reaction he had been expecting when he pulled away, it hadn’t been this. Her smile barely lasted a second before she collapsed against his chest, feeling dizzy in the worst way, tears leaving marks on her cheeks. He caught her and panicked, pushing the door open, pulling her into her room and laying her down on the bed.

“Kate? Kate, are you okay?” he worried, feeling her forehead. “I’m so sorry, oh my god-”

“It’s not your fault.” she breathed, eyes shut.

“I crossed the line, I misread everything-”

“You didn’t misread anything. I’m completely fine. Sorry.”

“Now you’re apologising again. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Kate.” his voice was unimpressed.

“I’m just tired.” even though her eyes were shut, she could tell he was observing her.

“When’s the last time you slept?” he asked suddenly.

“What?”

“When’s the last time you slept?” he repeated.

“Um… I don’t… I don’t know.”

“You need to sleep, Kate.”

“You think I don’t know that?” she snapped, opening her eyes to look at him. “Trust me, Castle, I am very aware.”

“Sorry.” he apologised.

“No, I am. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“I deserved it.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve everything.”

“Stop being nice to me.”

He sighed. “I’ll be back in a moment. Stay here.”

“Where else would I go?” she muttered, exasperated.

She took a sip of the water on the side of her bed and crawled under the sheets. He’d kissed her. She’d blown it.

Of course, she had.

The universe owed her for everything it had sent her way. But if there was one thing she’d learnt, it was that the universe didn’t owe anyone, so counting your lucky stars would only bring you down.

He reappeared with the new Nikki Heat transcript and sat down on the other side of the bed to her. 

“What are you doing?” Kate asked.

“I’m going to read to you. Just lie down.” She did and then shifted a bit closer to him. His hand found her hair and ran his fingers through it. She sighed contently.

“Just try to sleep.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me.”

When she woke up it was 5 am. She’d slept 6 hours. That was longer than she could remember sleeping.

His arm was loosely draped around her shoulders and she didn’t feel cold. She didn’t feel bare. He was fast asleep but his touch had grounded her through the night. The transcript sat in front of her, the front page titled ‘dedication ideas’ his scribbled handwriting coated the page but the bottom one caught her eyes.

_For KB_

_I love you_

* * *

Her lost feeling wouldn’t disappear in a night but she felt like she’d found a compass and knew the way home. 

Back to him.

Because he was home.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Castle fic so it's sort of a mess but please comment if you liked it!


End file.
